I saw some boxed valentines in the store the other day that reminded me of Valentine's Day in elementary school and the 8-year-old in me felt this relief. However, my ease did not last long as I was reminded of the countless 8-year-olds worldwide seeking respite from their secret affliction.
I remembered that those boxed valentines are 80% harmless but 20% hazardous. The 20% are the wretched 6 valentines that say horrible things like "Be Mine" or "You're cute." They induce great anguish for 8-year-olds as they agonize over which of their classmates they will have to give the 6 mushy valentines to and how they can minimize the destruction when the deed is done. Their only hope is that their moms don't buy conversation hearts to accompany the valentines or they're in for much more loss of sleep.
Therefore, to end the suffering of 8-year-olds worldwide, I present the ideal prepackaged valentine:

Happy Valentine's Day from us.












